Instagram: Portion Control

As a binger and an overeater, I have big issues with moderation. The idea of #portioncontrol makes total sense to me intellectually, but actually listening to and managing my hunger and fullness cues? Forget about it. 🍩 “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” was the popular mantra on the pro-ED websites I used to frequent in the early 2000s. In those days, I was primarily restricting, and I would repeat it to myself to keep from eating that second bite. 🍩 When restricting gave way to bingeing and purging, I tried to dig myself out by going back to that pro-ana mantra. But for someone like me who’s naturally inclined to overeat… once the dam was broken and I realized I could eat whatever I wanted and then in-eat it, I was swept away. 🍩 Even though I rarely #bingeandpurge anymore, the compulsion to overeat is ever-present. It’s something I fight every day, and something my therapy never got to the bottom of. 🍩 If you are successfully managing #overeating, how do you do it? How do you stay present with yourself in the moment and remind yourself that you’ll be happier and healthier if you don’t take another bite?

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Instagram: Sugar Sugar

Here’s a challenge I know lies in wait when I finish this #Whole30 at the end of this month: sugar. 🍭 I have a mega #sugarmonster, and it’s a trigger for me. My emotional eating and binges have always been largely comprised of sweets (baked goods, ice cream… an entire box of chocolates is a go-to). But I’m also not willing to go entirely sugar-free. Especially since deprivation is also a trigger for me. 🍭 Right now, it’s no problem. I haven’t been craving sugar much, fortunately. (I’d still really like a glass of wine.) But when I’m no longer honor-bound to eschew sweets, I’ll need to face my demons and figure out how to coexist with sugar. 🍭 Right now I’m thinking it might need to involve some planning ahead. If I pre-select certain treats that I get to have each week or month, will that help me manage my #sugarcravings? I tend to do well with delayed gratification, so maybe knowing I get a waffle on Sunday will keep me from sneaking my kids’ fruit snacks on Wednesday. 🍭 As in all things at the intersection of #edrecovery and #healthyweightloss, the trick will be managing and planning without micromanaging, overanalyzing, and obsessing.

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Instagram: Good Food

Ate this salad yesterday while I was working on my diet history post (link in bio) and started thinking about all the different components that I would have considered off-limits over the years. 🍇 Too sugary 🍗 Too calorie-dense 🥗 Too carb-y 🌰 Too fatty 🤷🏻‍♀️ Like I mentioned in my #fatbulimic post, my #edtreatment was far from perfect. But it *did* get me to stop thinking about foods as “good” or “bad,” and to recognize as problematic (for me) any way of eating that got me thinking that way. ⚖️ #bulimiarecovery is a long process — for me, probably unending. I’ve finally accepted that normal eating is going to be hard for the rest of my life. It’s not fair, but that’s life. #bulimiasucks

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Diets I Have Been On

**Trigger Warning**

If you experience an eating disorder, read with caution. And if you’re looking for diet ideas, this probably isn’t the post for you. Read my post about what it’s like to be a fat bulimic if you’re curious about the long-term effectiveness of any of these plans.

The first time I can remember deliberately altering the way I ate in order to get thinner was in high school. I was a freshman, and my best frenemy (who herself, I believe, was in the early stages of an eating disorder) would compare notes — how long had we gone without eating. It wasn’t a long-term pattern, but it did provide a sort of twisted fortitude I would later draw upon as an adult bulimic. If I could starve myself so easily at 14, I figured, I should be able to manage it at 24.

When I was a young child, my mother quit smoking, and after that there was a period of a few years when I can remember her frequently being on some kind of weight loss plan. There was Diet Center, and maybe Nutrisystem? She did Jazzercise for a bit. She ate cabbage soup. None of these lasted very long that I can recall, but they left a strong impression on me, clearly, since I’m still thinking about them more than three decades later, and since I have my own history of wacky diets of varying effectiveness.

Slim Fast

The ultimate in gateway drugs, I think Slim Fast was my first official “diet.” You probably remember the ads — a shake for breakfast, another for lunch, and then a sensible dinner? I can’t remember if I was in high school or home from college over the summer, but I bought into the Slim Fast Jump Start program, which was basically the regular Slim Fast plan except that instead of a sensible dinner, you had another fucking shake. I blended mine with ice or frozen strawberries so I could call it a smoothie, or I pretended it was a Carnation Instant Breakfast (which was somehow better?) because I instinctively felt the need to hide it from my parents.

The Zone

I put on the Freshman 15 plus in my first year of college, and at the beginning of the spring semester I bought and skimmed The Zone, which was the It eating plan of the moment. I was a vegetarian at the time, and for a few weeks I ate things like plain veggie burger patties dipped in barbecue sauce. I didn’t lose any weight that I know of, but the other girls from my dorm wing told me later that I had at least been in a really bad mood.

The Cabbage Soup Diet

Yes, the very same! It resurfaced in my mind when I found the plan on a pro-ana message board I used to frequent in the early 2000s, and I gave it a try. You’d think I would’ve known, having seen it fail firsthand, just how ineffective it was going to be (especially because bananas were the “treat” food you were allowed to have, and I don’t like bananas), but a big part of my mindset during the peak years of my eating disorder was convincing myself that my mother had failed at weight loss because she lacked willpower, and I was stronger than she was so I would succeed. So I cooked up a huge pot of cabbage soup in my tiny New York apartment… and then left most of it neglected when I burned out on soup after a day or two.

The 2/4/6/8 Plan

Another gem from the pro-ana Web, this plan was intended to keep your metabolism from slowing down by eating a set number of calories on a four-day rotation. On Day 1, I ate 200 calories (or fewer, obviously; this was at the peak of my restricting phase, and I had days when I would get by on Diet Coke and a bell pepper), on Day 2 400, on Day 3 600, and Day 4 was my big 800-calorie binge day. The beauty of this was that I didn’t have to count all the calories I consumed if I purged afterward (that’s bulimic logic for you), so if I slipped up and accidentally downed a half-gallon of ice cream, I was OK as long as it was an 800-calorie day.

Cleanses

I didn’t become a full-blown bulimic until after I graduated from college, and as a young adult I quickly learned that if you had a few pounds to lose, you could easily conceal an eating disorder behind a veil of “healthy” intentions. In fact, at that point, people praised and encouraged you. So when I tried a “cleanse” I’d found in a “bikini body” book at the Washington Square Barnes & Noble, my coworkers and roommates were supportive. (The same bikini body book also advised sitting in a tub of ice to reduce the look of cellulite or burn fat or something, but I didn’t memorize that as closely as I did the cleanse. I was, of course, too cheap to actually buy the book.) The plan involved two days of strictly liquids (broth, tea, juices, water), after which solid foods were added back in at two-day intervals: fruit, then vegetables, proteins, dairy, grains. Theoretically, it was supposed to “purify” your body and rid it of “toxins,” but I saw it for what it was: a get-thin-quick scheme. I made it about a week before the constant diarrhea got to be too much for me. I tried it again a few years later and it ended up being the experience that led me back to eating meat.

The $5-A-Day Diet

This was a scheme of my own invention, designed to make me both thin and rich (because, as you know, you can never be too much of either). I decided I would limit my spending on everything non-essential (food, obviously, was considered a non-essential) to $5 per day and put the rest of my money in savings. If I spent less than $5 a day, I could bank the remainder for the next day or week. For several weeks, I ate mostly rice and beans for dinner (a complete protein!), which I could prepare for about $5 a week. Breakfast was a roll and coffee at the train station. I spent most of my evenings alone at home, watching MTV and feeling monastic. Eventually I gave up and switched to a new plan wherein I ate only Tasti-D-Lite for dinner.

The Full Bulimic

The worst and most extreme of my diets, this one was pretty straightforward: I ate whatever I wanted and then threw it up afterward. I do not recommend this as a lifestyle. Neither does your doctor, your dentist, or your accountant. If I had back every dollar I spent on binge foods during these periods, I’d never have to make another student loan payment again.

Vegetarian/Vegan

I know the cool Instagram kids prefer the term “plant-based” these days, but when I was a vegetarian, that was what we called it. I stopped eating meat as a teenager for ethical reasons, then started again during college, then stopped again after college and cut out cheese for a while as well. My rule through my early 20s was that I kept a vegan home but relaxed my dairy restrictions outside of the house. My vegetarianism was largely ethically motivated, but if I’m being fully honest with myself, the restrictions on dairy were rooted in my eating disorder. Ironically, this meant I ended up eating a lot of bread and pasta instead.

The South Beach Diet

I tried this one after I had my first baby because it lets you have wine, and then I hopped off the bandwagon in fairly short order. You can’t have fruit (at the time, my go-to diet food), all the breakfast recipes called for eggs, and I got tired of chicken breasts really quickly.

The Ketogenic Diet

This one was a more recent endeavor. I tried following the ketogenic style of eating for a few months last year. If you’re not acquainted, a ketogenic diet is a very-low-carb, moderate-protein, high-fat way of eating that is designed to encourage fat loss by keeping the body in ketosis. When you’re starting out, this involves carefully paying attention to how many grams of fat and protein and how many net carbs you’re consuming each day. I was worried at first that tracking my food intake so closely might trigger a relapse, but it didn’t. It was mostly just time-consuming. And despite two months of obsessing about my macros, I lost very little weight.

The Whole 30

Founders and followers of the Whole 30 will take issue with calling it a “diet,” but it’s kind of disingenuous to refuse to use that term when you’re talking about a set of rules that govern the way someone eats. It’s not a drastic weight loss plan or an unhealthy gimmick, but the Whole 30 literally is a diet, or at least the structure for one. And unlike most of the other “diets” I’ve been on, it’s not — for me, at least — a gateway to failure and self-loathing. I’m doing my second Whole 30 this month, and although there are challenges (like I would literally knock someone over for a glass of wine right now), it feels like a positive exercise in being more thoughtful about how I eat. It also has an explicit rule forbidding weighing yourself, which is hard for me to follow but also sort of a relief because it takes the focus off the scale and turns it back toward feeling good about eating.

And if this list tells us anything, it’s that feeling good about eating is something that’s never been easy for me to do.

This is the second time I’ve done the #Whole30, and while there are hard things about it (good lord do I miss coffee creamer and lattes), I’m remembering why it’s such a good program for me. 🥗 As a recovering bulimic, an overeater, emotional eater and compulsive eater, anything that makes me stop and think about what I’m eating is helpful. 🥗 On the Whole 30, I have to take time to prepare my food. I have to think about what I’m eating. I have to take that pause that I don’t take when I’m eating my feelings or because I’m bored or because I avoided eating all day and now I’m shaking from low blood sugar. 🥗 On a normal day, would I take the time to plate a salad so nicely and really appreciate it? No, I’d grab whatever was available and eat without thinking. Sometimes I’d make a healthy choice, and sometimes I’d eat something that left me feeling ashamed the rest of the day. 🥗 Bonus: Because I’m not using creamer or ordering lattes, I only had ONE cup of coffee this morning instead of five. Good for my stomach AND good for maintaining a better awareness of my actual hunger level during the day.

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Instagram: Just Eat

I’ve had a lot of #foodfrenemies over the years: Calories. Fat. Net carbs. Sugar. Bread. 🍗 Tonight I made chicken thighs. Skin on. With olives. Tomatoes. Kale cooked in the pan afterward. 🍗 I didn’t feel sick or guilty afterward. I didn’t eat it until I had to throw up and then eat a pint of ice cream and a bag of cookies. 🍗 I just ate dinner. For people who don’t know what it means to be an #edsurvivor, that probably doesn’t seem like a big deal. For me, it’s the biggest deal. 🍗 I still struggle. Every great once in a while, I have a momentary relapse. But they’re always just moments. 🍗 I still have weight to lose and muscle to build, and I still have a long way to go in my relationship with food. But tonight, I ate dinner. #bulimiarecovery #bulimiafighter

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Instagram: Scale-ing Back

I am fighting the urge to weigh myself tonight. ⛔️ It’s one of the #whole30rules I like most: No weighing yourself during the challenge. ⛔️ These days, getting on the scale generally isn’t a trigger as long as I do it at the right time, when I’m in a safe and stable frame of mind. ⛔️ Getting on the scale right now would be a mistake, because even though my body is well nourished, my mind is cognizant of deprivation. ⛔️ No wine? No ice cream? No bite of a grilled cheese sandwich lovingly offered by my toddler? If I stepped on the scale right now, one of two things would happen. ⛔️ 1. I would see a lower number than I did two weeks ago. You’d think this would make me happy, but it would also send my deprived-feeling mind a message: Deprivation works! And as all my #edrecovery friends know, that’s a dangerous mindset. ⛔️ 2. I would see a number that’s the same as or higher than it was two weeks ago. In which case my mind is going to ask “WTF is the point anyway?” and I’ll find myself in an emotional spiral even if I don’t rush downstairs and bust into the leftover Christmas candy. ⛔️ Weighing myself, on a good day, can be a tool for gauging what’s going on with my body. ⛔️ Weighing myself today would take the focus off the healthy behaviors I’m trying to foster and put it back on my old enemy, the number on the scale. ⛔️ The scale is calling my name, but tonight I’m resisting that temptation.

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Instagram: Self Care

I spent an hour in the bath tub last night. I’ve been doing it more and more often. 🛁 It’s a little bit of a challenge for me because it forces me to spend time with my body, actually seeing it and being aware of it, which is not my favorite thing. 🛁 But it’s also time to just BE and sit with my thoughts, which is a luxury, especially when you’ve got two children, work, family obligations, etc., etc., etc. 🛁 Too much time to think isn’t always great for me, either, because thinking can become overanalyzing, criticizing, scrutinizing… what did I eat today? Did I exercise enough? Did I really need that second serving? How much fat is on my thighs? Maybe I should get out the measuring tape. How many net carbs in this apple? 🛁 An hour in the tub, just thinking but not thinking too hard. Trying to practice #selfcare without veering into analysis. 🛁 How do you find the moment to be quiet and alone with yourself? How do you make space to find common ground with your body?

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